Chaithought: Confessions of a procrastinator - How to waste time like a pro

You would think simply not doing anything would do the trick. But wait, what if you come up with a plan of action while you are lost in thinking? Clearly, this is not the answer.

If tomorrow never comes, you won't have to do it.

Spending time without anything to show for it is no small feat. Procrastination is both an art and a science. It’s an art because its pursuit is not for the faint of heart, and a science since wasting time requires rigorous planning without precision or logic.

If you want to excel at procrastination, you require three key elements:

1. An important task with an imminent deadline

2. A pathological desire to finish it with nothing short of perfection

3. An ability to underestimate the time required to finish it

Okay, do you have everything? Now all you need to do is follow the below process very carefully. Don’t even think of straying from the steps after executing the initial two or three. You could very well end up doing some work. And we don’t want that, do we?

Here is a 5-step process to become a Champion Procrastinator:

1. Distractions and Diversions: 

Did you directly start reading about the process? Tch tch…you should have ideally checked your phone first, messages, Instagram, anything. We’re not too particular about this. You see, this process is completely flexible so that people from all walks of life can adapt it based on their needs.

2. Time Sink Tactics: 

Hopefully, you’ve successfully lost at least 30 to 45 minutes in the above step. Now, it’s time to check your watch. If the minute hand is not at a multiple of 15, you obviously need to wait for it to be at a proper place before you start your work. Alternatively, if you have to look at your phone to check time, there’s an opportunity to waste more time by forgetting why you picked up your phone and going back to Step 1.

3. Delusional Estimates: 

Alright, now let’s go back to look at our task. This is where Element 3 will come in handy. Let’s do a quick estimation of the time you are likely to take to complete the task. Be sure to overestimate your abilities and underestimate the time required. It will help you optimize the time wasted. (If you’re feeling especially ambitious at this step, try creating an Excel schedule for various activities in the task for some bonus waste of time.)

4. Perfectionist Pitfalls: 

Ideally, you should’ve checked your phone at least once more before completing Step 3. If you didn’t, don’t lose hope. This is the step where you can pick up the slack. It’s time to think about how you’ll go about doing this task. Your desire for perfection is key here. What will you do first? How will you structure it? Maybe reconsider the schedule you drew up. Should you have given more/less time to one of the parts? This is where you can strategically sneak back to Step 3.

5. Last Minute Maneuvers: 

If you’ve reached here, Kudos! Pat yourself on the back. This is not the time to give up. It’s the time to think about giving up and getting a deadline extension. If that’s not possible, you can still waste some more time by thinking up excuses to make an extension possible. You could start drafting a message/email for it. Write a paragraph. Delete it. Write again. Try Googling some good excuses. Take ChatGPT’s help. There are no limits. Do whatever inspires you. You can’t go wrong at this stage.

Yes, you’ve done it! If at any stage you doubted your talent and aptitude, trust me, I never did. I always knew you had it in you. I have perfected my procrastination game through years of practice—while studying for the CA exams or CAT, whether I was working from the office or home. The key is consistency. Whenever you think you are not wasting enough time, revisit this guide. Procrastinate and procrastinate again, till there’s no time left.

Until next time.

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